I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for several years. I haven't been in that relationship for almost 17 years now. Still sometimes, things come up and put me right back where I used to be. The person I was married to all those years ago would put me in positions to ask his family for money, or other random things. He once was so hung over that he asked me to call his boss, who also happened to be his father, and tell him he was too sick to go into work. I did as I was told, but I didn't lie for him. I told his dad exactly why he had decided he was too sick to go in to work. Score 1 for me. Well, at least for a little while. The abuse that followed that little stunt wasn't pretty. But let's fast forward some 16, or 17, years to present day.
I was emailing someone recently about how things were going with one of my kids. I don't speak to this person often, for which I feel guilty about it. It's not their fault. They just happened to get caught up in the fall out of this past abusive relationship. Anyways, I was emailing this person and happened to mention how this family member was doing and that they are working on saving some money for a procedure they need to have done. No where in that message did I ask for a dime. But ever since, I've been feeling very guilty for even mentioning that procedure in the email.
After I hit send all those feelings, from all those many years ago, hit me like a rock. I thought, oh crap this person is going to think I'm asking for money. Which I was not and would not. But I was transported back to that time where I used to be forced to, and if I didn't do as I was told there would be hell to pay.
I have even emailed that person and let them know I felt bad for mentioning that procedure to them.
Most of the time that part of my life feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes it feels like just yesterday. To say I fear this person now would not be totally incorrect. Part of me does but, a bigger part of me has channeled that fear into anger and is prepared for any battle that he decides to bring my way.
